This weekend, the Chicago University Collegiate Institute of the Art of Architectural Criticism on the city’s far northeast side will graduate its largest class of seniors since the pre-pandemic era. While most graduates, the majority of them having earned a degree in Constructive Criticism, will attend ceremonies in person, not all are welcome at the off-campus festivities, as they’re either too tall (or not tall enough) for the neighborhood, or simply don’t fit in with their surroundings. Of course, any student deemed too dense won’t be graduating at all.

Ima Haeder, Dean of Education at the CUCIAAC, laments the current lack of architecture critics in Chicago. “Sadly, only 67% of our population are qualified to nitpick every little detail of Chicago’s designed environment. Without this year’s graduating class, that percentage would easily have plummeted closer to 66%. We need our students to be out of the classroom and into the online forums and community meetings, where their input and expertise can be heard by anyone with internet access who thinks they know what good design should look like. Besides, I’m getting really tired of listening to them complain about the dorms” he added.

“Well, would you want to live here?” one graduate, who didn’t want us to use his name until he had his diploma in hand, responded to the dean’s comment. “It’s like no thought at all was put into this place. Even the cafeteria is lame. Have you gotten coffee there? Those cobalt mugs are horrible. Do you even know what cobalt mugs are? Blue glasses! Blue glasses! Why is everything blue glass!?” he went on, eliciting high fives and bro-hugs from classmates.

As has been the case for most school years, graduates will remain in their seats to receive diplomas rather than walking up on stage, since the podium is ugly and most feel it should be covered in an entirely different material, or hidden completely underground. The Institute is also warning the public to arrive early because there isn’t enough parking, and traffic congestion in this area is already a major problem.